How far south would I have to drive before the sun came out? It doesn't even have to be warm, necessarily, just sunny.

This weather is making my soul ache.
I don't think I can take much more of it.

Step One: Footwear

For Christmas I got a gift card to R.E.I. in the amount of fifty dollars. In my ignorance I thought that certainly this would be enough to buy a pair of hiking boots for my upcoming trip to NZ. Of course fifty dollars would be enough!

The cheapest hiking boots were eighty dollars, though most cost somewhere around $150. The most I have ever spent on a pair of shoes is sixty-five.

I was at R.E.I. for two hours trying on different sizes and styles of boots; lacing and re-lacing, stomping up and down the faux-rock ramp, asking the associate to press against the toes or the heels, taking them off to do the whole thing over again. I'm pretty sure they make the laces out of burlap. Coated in shards of glass.

As I put on the third pair I got a little bit whiny and told Michael that my hands hurt from pulling on the laces. He told me that if my hands started bleeding he'd get me some bandages, and that because he worked there all day he couldn't tie all of the shoes that I was trying on or else his hands would hurt. I thought his no-mercy attitude was a joke, but then I scraped off enough skin on my left hand that it did bleed. And he gave me a band-aid. And on we went to the next pair of shoes.

When everything was said and done I left with the gift card still in my wallet, with a name and a (store) phone number, but without a new pair of shoes. Michael looked me in the eyes and said that my blood sugar had dropped and that I wasn't in any condition to make such a major decision. I told him I would come back once my hands had healed.

Please let me tell you again that I love my Holga. I like to pretend that the red light leaks in the images are the finger of God reaching out to touch me. Romantic, I know.

Think again, batman.

One of my favorite things is sitting on the cold, cold porch reading Jack Handy's Deep Thoughts with my friends. We each take a turn to read one out loud, and then take a drink of miscellaneous alcohol and the book is passed to the next person. This evening the prize for best Deep Thought was a tie between the man who nails tadpoles to a board and the astronaut who leaves his colleague stranded on the moon because he thinks he might be a vampire. I drank $4.59 champagne from the Ed Mart around the corner.

Temp-temp-temptation

To be honest, I am completely disappointed with the "I Saw U" ads placed in The Mercury the past several months. I mean, you only get, what, forty words to entice a stranger into contacting you? The average ad reads along the lines of, "You were on the #15 bus. I like your sweater. Want to get a drink?" There is so much wooing potential in forty words! Wasted!

I want to start an "I Saw U" revolution. I want them to read more like poetry.
In fact, I want them to be poetry.
I'm starting the "I Saw U" haiku movement.

Currently I am considering writing to the gay boy at the bagel shop, the checker at Trader Joe's who also thinks that bagging groceries is like playing Tetris, or the ice skating Jack Black lookalike with the giant green foam cowboy hat. Not because I want a romantic encounter with any of them (I've renounced dating in my pursuit of adventure, after all), but because I think it will be fun.

And if you write an "I Saw U" haiku, you can be part of the revolution, too!

Since things ended with Matt my mom has taken to emailing me articles with titles like, "Rethinking the Gift of Singleness."

Help. Me.

Anticipation

Yesterday I got a book about hiking ("tramping") in New Zealand. In New Zealand they have huts built along the hiking trails so that you don't have to pack in a sleeping mat, tent, fuel or cooking stove. Each hut holds about twenty-five people and costs between five and twenty dollars a night. Yes!

I'm excited. Now the prospect of hiking solo for two months doesn't seem so... lonely. Last night I dreamed about it. It feels so good to step into this adventure alone, and that is something I never thought I'd say. Till now, loneliness had seemed the worst possible fate. Now I think that boredom is.

At this moment I'm considering putting off school until the fall of 2007, at the earliest. After NZ I will, for what seems like the first time, have no rent, employment, or romantic obligations. It's unsettling to realize that I'll not have this center to draw me back to Portland in a little under eight months. Amanda and Joel getting married will be the end of the MAMAs house, refuge of nomadic friends (and friends of friends). My friends are coupling off or moving away. What if I can't forge a Home for myself when I return?

If I return?

First Try

With the way that the Holga is designed you can advance the film half or three-quarters of the way between shots, causing the images to overlap on the negative. This works especially well for taking panaramic pictures. My first attempt didn't turn out so well. The colors and scenery are rather boring, and the buildings don't line up from frame to frame. It is interesting, though.

If I practice enough, I might be as good as this guy!

Rost, continued

I realized today that my Wednesday evening TV addiction had escaped my control when I got snappy and rude over having to watch some episodes out of sequence. Sorry, Janaki. Really, there is no excuse.

Also, I hate it when they preview the following week's episode.

Also, I hate all the female leads.

Also, I had my heart tattoo touched up today. It hurt like a mother.

Real friends

stand in as fake boyfriend when you find yourself caught in an awkward,
boundary-violating situation.

I love love love love love my Holga.

(New photos coming soon.)

watch the eyes

i found this the other day while looking for a church service on christmas eve...

(he's a youth pastor.)

day 1

First, the bad things of 2005:
-Broken hearts.
-A very expensive fender-bender.
-Brother Peter sent to Iraq for nine months.
-Star Wars Episode Three

Some good things from 2005:
-Loving and being loved. I do mean that in a romantic way. Even though the broken hearts have been at times almost too much to bear, I would still do everything over again if given the opportunity.
-I became an auntie for the second time. Arisellie was born yesterday. Hooray!
-My house mates and amazing friends. I would be lost without them.
-Getting to know my previously estranged brother Matthew.
-The Bridge, my home and community. I have been embraced and encouraged and stimulated by the people there. They tell me that I need to love myself. They also tell me that I need to love the church. I don't know which is harder.
-Went on a date with a lawyer in late spring. He wasn't very interesting, but I think it's funny that I can say "I went on a date with a lawyer" and have it be true! (I will never mention this again.)
-Adventure! This is not limited to Hawaii, but includes the hikes, the trips, the movies, the parties, the food that I have enjoyed with people around me.
-Freaks and Geeks, Firefly, Lost.
-Voice lessons with Todd Fadel, getting to know the Fadel family, singing my soul out during worship.
-Poems written: two. One that I am ashamed of, one that I am not. Neither are any good, but I can live with that.

What I expect in 2006:
-New Zealand.
-Living alone in an apartment for the first time ever.
-McNeo becoming a Mrs.
-Fun, fun and more fun with Gena as our newest house member.
-Lots and lots of diaper changing.

Also:
-I am going to try to say "no" more. For example, No, I will not watch your children on New Year's Eve. Or, No, you and your children cannot sit next to me on the flight from Honolulu to Portland - I'm not supposed to start work till tomorrow. Finally, No, I will not make out with you.
-I've given up non-caps typing. It was starting to feel sloppy.
-You can use this idea for 2006 (I'll give it to you for free): give the gift of a cheap bottle of wine, but use pictures from an old National Geographic to make a better label. Then use your label maker to write something witty or endearing. Better yet, witty and endearing.